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| This is an old MJ layout I made back in 2002 for Black Planet. This is the second one I made. I don't know why the first layout isn't in my photo gallery. :/ It was just as beautiful as this one~ :] |
Konnichiwa! I just felt like updating again. This subject has been long overdue. I should have written this two years ago, but couldn't figure out if I wanted to discuss this again or not... Without getting emotional. I won't babble on too much with the gist of this entry. Lets get started~
Ok, first off... What tempted me to write this, was after watching This Is It on VH1(worse station ever) for the first time. I'm going to be honest, and say that I had been avoiding this movie. Why? Because I was afraid of getting emotional. Tonight, I didn't get too emotional, but just watching him perform made me realize how much he captures me every time I watched him. How his voice went through me and brought back all of those memories I've had of him.I started off a Michael Jackson fan, back when I was really young. He is actually the first Black man I've ever fell in love with. My father was a big fan of his, and so was my step sister. I was hooked! lol I have to say this all started in the late 80s. Some memories of mine are of my step sister singing I'll Be There To Me in the garage. My old friend who lives down the street pretending to be MJ and being my bf(it was a she lol). The video "Leave Me Alone" used to make me sad for some reason but I love the song! I think it's the lyrics. I heard 'Wannabe Startin' Something' in a Oprah Winfrey commercial. Oooh and I recall watching the Jacksons' film on ABC back in the day too!
I was a big fan of his until he married Lisa Marie Presley. Back then, I had some deep seated hatred of seeing interracial couples. I recalled a time, where I rose hell with my step sister running with a White guy. Yeah, it broke my heart seeing him with that White woman. LOL!!! Because back then, I felt like we were destined to be together! I would get teased by my stupid niece(I hope she dies-I'm messed up from it-).
I became a fan again, back in 2001, when he returned for the 30th anniversary. I heard his song You Rock My World and all of those feelings from a long time ago rekindled. Here I was at fifteen, thinking Mike was still in his thirties and I had a chance! Then I found out he was forty, I was like FORTY??? I recorded everything about him on video tape. I still have them too. I brought the anniversary tape to school and we watched it. My dad bought all of his albums for me(excluding HIStory because it was too expensive), I got Invincible for my birthday! I would go to his website everyday, interact with other fans, wrote The Natural Born Thrillers fan fiction to him. Printed out his pictures, and glued them to my wall.
But the bad thing was, I was teased all during high school for liking him. It was horrible, constantly having to defend him, defend myself, all the arguing. I didn't understand what the big deal was, they had the right to listen to all that garbage music that was coming out(still coming out today, I only listen to rap/pop for the beats), but I wasn't allowed to admire Michael Jackson? I saw him as my hero, someone just like me. Someone who knew what it was like to be abused, to be different. They didn't understand that, wait, didn't TRY to understand that! The harassment I faced, was the reason why I left high school. I run into those classmates who did that, they try to speak to me and I'm like ~dry~ Hey... I will NEVER forgive them for that. EVER! These were Black students, they mostly tormented me over other things, but loving Michael was the icing on the cake.
I want to bring up, how also back then, I wrote a letter to him. I took the decorations this trash sent to me and glued it to the envelope. I had the students sign their name as an attempt to get him to perform at our school. I didn't have a camera back then, so I wasn't able to take photos of it. It was beautiful too. I even drew his signature feet stand on the back of it. Even til this day, I wondered if he had ever seen it...
Yeah, it was hard being a fan, because I was constantly ridiculed for it. I guess, in essence, I had given up my fandom to avoid being ridiculed. ~Sighs~ I was finally awaken again, June 25, 2009. The day he died... It didn't really hit me. I cried but not hard. I didn't cry over him, like I did over Heath Ledger. Boy, I was depressed that entire day when Heath died, and I had only known him for a short time... I just want to say that just because I was off and on, as a fan, doesn't mean I don't miss him. I do miss him. I hate myself for wasting so much time in GED, instead of finishing high school. I would have been in California. He was the main reason why I wanted to move there. I have to live with the fact that I will never see him. I will never tell him how much I've always admired and looked up to him. I will never touch him. I will never hear his voice live. My dad approached me a year or two ago, asking you would have been crying more if he had died back in 2001. That was a stab in my heart. I did cry, and the reason I never showed my tears, was out of the fact that I knew I'd be RIDICULED FOR IT! I am holding back tears as I'm typing this! I saw this Japanese chick say people are all boo hoo now that Michael is dead. Not to put her on blast, but this was the same jack＊ss, when back in 2001, when asked if Michael and I would make a good couple, she said NO! Call me a phony fan if you want, I don't care. I try NOT to think about him, to keep from being depressed. That five year old and that fifteen year old will emerge out of me, just by thinking about him. I have nothing to prove to ANYONE! Through life or death, I will continue being a MICHAEL JACKSON FAN, not an MJ Fan(who I call those fake psycho ones who are quick to call someone a fake fan). I LOVE Michael, and I do miss him. I will continue to support his music for the rest of my LIFE!
Here are some Halloween photos of me, back in 2002 when I was dressed as the one and only... Michael Jackson :] The necklace I wore, does say BAD. :D
In memory of Heavy D & Michael Jackson